Refreshing air in an obedient canoe,
With teachings of life changes.
The rafts sit on our shoulders,
As we march across the trail.
Nature becomes us as we live and sing,
And stab the blade into the water.
We laugh and play as we pierce the mud,
And cry when we attack the land.
When the sun falls we deeply sleep,
And repeat this life again.
By Zachary Gordon
9 comments:
this is a deep and interesting poem
i like how you used the line
"and stab the blade into the water"
peotry.... lol gordon
Peotry is one of my favourite subjects
comment on my other one its better.
this is a very interesting poem but it is not very original. it sounds alot like all the other temagami poems i read. but the last line is still strong
Hey peotry boy!
Nice. Some problems. one of them is the, "With teachings of life changes." Do you mean teachers? Because if not, that doesn't really work. I think you should change "As we march across the trail." to something more powerful, such as"As we march across this endless plain." But thats just my idea. Other than that, pretty nice.
Good,
D.Baum
Very intresting, well rounded poem.
The material is good you have some very deep lines in your poem. well done btw you slept poetry wrong lol
there are some air words "the raft sits on our shoulders, as we march acroos the trail...
maybe
raft, sitting on shoudlers
as we march across trial (?)
and stab the blade into the water INSTEAD:
stab the blade into the water.
maybe add some more ponts about how brutal the trip was
the first line is obedient canoe but i dont know bout u but with the wind and waves the canoe was anything but obedient. Air words in the rafts sit on our shoulders. could be With rafts on our shoulders. rest is pretty good
gordon great poem. when you say with teaching of life changes a better way of saying that is with this teaching a lesson life change around us. so maybe you could see how that works because it flow nicer. when you say the the rafts sit on our shoulders you could say the heavy rafts/conoe watever won you prefer rest on our shoulders as we are in pain. so that is explaining wat the rafts are and can do to you. on the last sentance ere you say we sart this life again you could say we start this life again of lessons until we reach the end. great poem ceep it up.
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